Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Chocolate Pain

At a simple, yet refined, dining room table meant for eight, with the taste of bitter coffee present, I exhale.

Morocco and Paris gifted me the ability to see more clearly what I am seeking. I learned that it is not tourism. I do not desire to travel to major sites and monuments along with thousands of other foreigners. I do want to live among the locals. Adjusting my own pace and habits to the vibrations and activities of the culture. I want to travel, but in a more pure way. The need to go has been in me for over a year now, to have a journey, to go into my own wild and meet my own alchemist. Being here, the need has never felt more present. Although I had already sensed this, after just a few days on the road I knew for sure that a "Eurotrip" would not satisfy my hungerthirst for a hero's journey on which my will is tested, faith proved stronger, and the secrets of the world are learned.

This feeling combined with a few other pieces. One, I love New York City, and when I flew away I felt a magnetic pull to return there, soon. (I felt similarly in December when I flew to LA, I had unfinished business and knew I must return. What this says about my long term desires to be somewhere, or where to call home, I do not know. I know that right now, my soul feels happy in the city.) Two, I have the opportunity right now to be making a ridiculous amount of money in NYC, that opens up more opportunities in the future, and also allows me to rid myself of some weight on my shoulders (debt). This aspect of the decision making lives more in the land of logic and reason, fear and earthly material desires. But I believe it affords me great freedom in the future.

A dear friend, and fellow wanderer, offered very solid advice, peculiarly attuned to my personality...to see myself in 30 years and ponder which story I wold rather tell...yes. brilliant advice. and though a piece of me feels I am backing away from some adventure, I also know the city to be its own adventure. And the "job" I am running back to is no 9-5 desk job at "the office."

Lastly, one of the most valuable lessons I learned with Two of my dearest friends in Morocco was this: It doesn't matter where I am in the world, if I am with dear ones I am always able to have a good time. My mom noticed this about me when I was younger. She told me that it seemed wherever I went, whatever new activity I might be trying, I was always able to make friends and enjoy where I was, even if the circumstances were less than stellar...She was right...I had forgotten this about myself...but I also recognize now the univeral truth of it. I can choose happiness anytime anyplace....

Thanks mom.

Love in the form of a beautiful cloudy Parisian sky reflecting off the wall of the old building across the street to you all...

2 comments:

Danielle and Chad Selander said...

I saw your link on facebook, i really enjoy your style of writing. Thought provoking.

jaysen said...

ah...
words from the Road
from a soul
living in Presence...

i've been checking everyday, you know, just in case.
what a delight it was this morning to see your newest words gracing your blog.

wishing you much happiness and peace, dear friend!

be well, i love you ~
j