Wednesday, September 15, 2010

the real life heebie jeebies

how can i explain what just happened?

first you should know that i am feeling more grounded than i usually do in this city, i am fresh back from the high of the burning west coast, not yet hurrying to catch up with everyone pacing up and down the avenues...there is a calm in my body, a knowing, perhaps assisted by the current guru's voice...affirming and guiding me through the streets of new york city by way of the ipod, i am present, or strive to be.

I am on the L train, I know this, put it into storage as I close my eyes and let the reality of his words sink in, allowing my moment to extend beyond the walls of the train, i step back from the cycle and into yes.

occasionally I open my eyes. check. where am I? I knew it, but fear made me check..what if I got so lost in the other reality that I missed my stop? as if that is "bad" or "wrong"...ah, whew, First Ave...still good...who is that? my eyes see something strange, unique, interesting, it is peacock theory in action...

immediately my mind begins tearing down the information that my eyes pass over, short jean shorts, so short they expose the off-white pockets -she's trendy- her pale skinny legs and over-sized shirt lead me to place her in the Lower East Side Compartment, but wait those eyes...what is that? the mind breaks it down again, taking what was initially a whole being, mystical and inexplicable, and putting her in a box one accessory at a time...her eye make-up is heavy and dark, the liner extends out from her eye in a small swoosh, reminiscent of our pop culture image of cleopatra, only darker...what is she reading?...

For reasons I cannot explain I have an impulse to catch her eye...she is not altogether very attractive, nor really my type, but I am compelled to make contact...I am in a zone for sure, feeling confident in myself and my knowledge that we are all connected, all made of the same stardust...woah...nearly immediately after desiring to catch her eye, she looks back at me...stillness...I hold...she holds...I hold...

...there is some kind of energy exchange happening, no words but each of us checking to see if the other is still with us...fear creeps in, this is not normal social behavior and the mind doesn't know how to respond...it is the very thing I desired, but I don't know what is supposed to happen next...her eyes are intense, there is not a hint of a smile, I try to crack a little of mine, just small enough for her to follow me, that we may both end up smiling and laughing at this beautiful moment on the subway...no returned smile, I give a little more, thinking she may have not noticed...still no smile...she is staring hard and deep into me...I keep holding and start laughing, perhaps from nerves, but I am still feeling calm, though unsure of what her intention is...it is so rare to hold a stranger's gaze, even that of our loved dear ones, I assume she is on some similar level of thinking...that she is also curious...but as more time passes, I feel a dark presence...I cannot describe it, but I feel there may be some ill will...we are NOT in the same boat...this is NOT someone who does a lot of smiling...

She lowers her eyes and returns her head towards her book...I am left perplexed...still calm, even more curious...the human urge is to look back...but for some reason I know not to..I don't want to alarm her, and I know that what just transpired has passed.

The next stop arrives. I stay on. I check, she too stays on...The next stop is mine...I wonder if we will both leave together, if our experience is to continue in some way...

We exit, through different doors, but both towards the union/metropolitan exit...I am not following her with my eyes, but keeping her in my awareness...she chooses the exit on the opposite side of the street...again I wonder will i see her again? I keep my pace up the stairs and as soon as I am back above ground, turn my head to see if she is walking in my direction. Yes.

Excitement returns...more non-verbal play with a stranger...so much curiosity, her darkness is magnetic...I pick up my pace so that she might notice me on the other side of the street. I am egocentric, so I assume she too is left wondering about me and our exchange of energy...I think back to exercises I have tried on the playa, I send pull energy her way, I ask her to come to me...I keep walking and notice that I will barely catch up to her, so I let it go...I assume that all is done and my mind moves on to other thoughts, reflecting on a beautiful dinner with a dear friend, a true light in my life, an incredibly thoughtful man who is on his way to greatness. I am feeling so much gratitude--WHAM!

There she is. I nearly stop in my tracks as I had forgotten about her and had not noticed her cross the middle of the street and come striding up right next to me. After an abrupt scare I return her eye-contact as she is staring at me. I smile almost immediately, first in pleasant disbelief, then surely from nerves...we lock eyes, though in different energies...she is feeling more dark, her stare is abrasive...a few paces and she walks just ahead of me, no words...I laugh again at the strangeness...we cross the street and I drift to the left, towards my home and she stays the course...I call out to her playfully, "bye bye!"

no response. just darkness. I walk on, my skin crawls a bit and i find myself peeking over my shoulder to see if she has indeed come to follow me...I question her intent...my mind wanders trying to explain this mystery...darkness, was this some demon woman? my logical brain kicks in and sees her actions as her complex social walls...perhaps she felt intruded upon by my initial gaze, and sought to scare me back off her premises...

it worked.

i did not feel safe until i had stepped foot in my apartment and locked my door. and still her image haunts my mind...

5 comments:

Kate said...

Incredibly written....I'm fascinated by this entire moment.

Deidre Haren said...

whoa so crazy! it's sad that we live in a society where people are afraid of what they don't know

Deidre Haren said...

..meaning it sounds like she was afraid of you...not that you were afraid of her

LarryDarnellPenn said...

Your writing is intense and beautiful and it took me on that journey. My heart is still pacing right now. Have you ever looked into the eyes of someone whose soul is gone? That is the scariest feeling ever...this story reminds ome of that. Friend, good work!

Laura said...

Mitch. Leave girls alone on the subway. Don't be creepy.