Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Chocolate Pain

At a simple, yet refined, dining room table meant for eight, with the taste of bitter coffee present, I exhale.

Morocco and Paris gifted me the ability to see more clearly what I am seeking. I learned that it is not tourism. I do not desire to travel to major sites and monuments along with thousands of other foreigners. I do want to live among the locals. Adjusting my own pace and habits to the vibrations and activities of the culture. I want to travel, but in a more pure way. The need to go has been in me for over a year now, to have a journey, to go into my own wild and meet my own alchemist. Being here, the need has never felt more present. Although I had already sensed this, after just a few days on the road I knew for sure that a "Eurotrip" would not satisfy my hungerthirst for a hero's journey on which my will is tested, faith proved stronger, and the secrets of the world are learned.

This feeling combined with a few other pieces. One, I love New York City, and when I flew away I felt a magnetic pull to return there, soon. (I felt similarly in December when I flew to LA, I had unfinished business and knew I must return. What this says about my long term desires to be somewhere, or where to call home, I do not know. I know that right now, my soul feels happy in the city.) Two, I have the opportunity right now to be making a ridiculous amount of money in NYC, that opens up more opportunities in the future, and also allows me to rid myself of some weight on my shoulders (debt). This aspect of the decision making lives more in the land of logic and reason, fear and earthly material desires. But I believe it affords me great freedom in the future.

A dear friend, and fellow wanderer, offered very solid advice, peculiarly attuned to my personality...to see myself in 30 years and ponder which story I wold rather tell...yes. brilliant advice. and though a piece of me feels I am backing away from some adventure, I also know the city to be its own adventure. And the "job" I am running back to is no 9-5 desk job at "the office."

Lastly, one of the most valuable lessons I learned with Two of my dearest friends in Morocco was this: It doesn't matter where I am in the world, if I am with dear ones I am always able to have a good time. My mom noticed this about me when I was younger. She told me that it seemed wherever I went, whatever new activity I might be trying, I was always able to make friends and enjoy where I was, even if the circumstances were less than stellar...She was right...I had forgotten this about myself...but I also recognize now the univeral truth of it. I can choose happiness anytime anyplace....

Thanks mom.

Love in the form of a beautiful cloudy Parisian sky reflecting off the wall of the old building across the street to you all...

Thursday, April 2, 2009

That One Day...with all the hubub...

sinking into my mattress, gravity doing it's work on my eyelids, Time has again pulled a fast one on me. As soon as it actually set in that today is my birthday, I was immediately reminded of my birthday last year. A year? already? was it really 365 days ago that Coco and I sat in our philosophy class and he made a big scene for me? It is hard to believe that that beautiful sunny day full of introspection and questioning the actual celebration itself took place so long ago. many thoughts ago...a million plans ago...

this year with so much happening in my life and on the eve of such adventure, the expectation that normally comes with impending birthdays has diminished...though now i sit here with this feeling like when you are driving somewhere new and all of the sudden you think, "was I supposed to turn back there?"...execpt it is more like, "Is something supposed to be happening now?

YES. sure always.

and on that beautiful train ride home. it did happen...a musical duo, performing on eukaleli, kazoo, and accordion told jokes and performed with vigor to a mostly uninterested audience...i enjoyed their persistence, and that they didn't take themselves to seriously...I laughed out loud, and gave them a dollar to thank them for the birthday gift...

made the dollar back plus four more when I sold a condom to a curious young hipster from upstate NY...we dove into travel talk as I convinced her to buy a condom as a birthday present to me...she tried to make a deal, but I smiled big and just said no...her energy was, well now I'm dozing off trying to find a poetic way to describe her...a tough beauty, small but condfident...with a smile that said "hello, I want to know you..." with that smile, and a piece of paper with her name and the name of a bar, we went...

and now I rest for my big day...

love